Sunday, February 19, 2006

Flu, counselling, Hillsborough, denial, anger, London, 'e' dates and folk music!

What a week, every day had a different story, and I haven't had time to blog it all until now.

I started the week with what I thought was a cold, instead it developed into full blown flu, I was still ill when I went for my first ever counselling session, it's taken me 7 & 1/2 months to decide I need it and sort it all out. My counsellor was himself at the Hillsborough disaster, he was in the Liverpool end of the stand, almost crushed himself he witnessed 96 people crushed and trampled to death. He seems to understand what I'm going through, explaining that my emotions will peak and dip. It was surprisingly easy, but it did bring back some of the feelings of denial I've previously had. I have no idea why my mind sometimes convinces itself that what happened in London didn't happen at all, when I realise it did, it usually takes another half a day or a day to convince myself I was in it, and then I go into shock.

Every time I get these feelings of denial I go on the BBC page which animates (poorly) what happened that day and go to the "in pictures" section. I always look at the picture inside the bombed carriage as I can see where I was standing, with my back against the door which is no longer there because it was blown in on me, and what was left of it was pulled away by the first rescuers. I've never been depressed, but I do seem to have a 'phase' which comes round every 6 weeks or so, it always follows the same pattern, but can last a day, or a week. Firstly I get denial, then I look over all the old images, I get out the police evidence bag I had to present my clothes in, which now holds all the things I keep in connection to that day. My ticket, a photo, my priority 3 tag, hospital tag, memorial service booklets, my ticket from when I got back on the tube and my still unwashed bloodied shirt, the blood still has bits of glass caked in it and the neck is all black. The soot still smells of chemicals. And then I go into shock, it can last a few minutes as it did this week, or 4 days as it did last month.

Course when I get these feelings it takes me back to that day, question after question comes into my mind, "What were those peculiar announcements? Was it preventable? And why did they do it?" I will never get any clear answers about that day, I will never know, they don't want me to know. Hmmm... I wonder why? No prizes for guessing. All of this makes me stupidly angry, internally I am seething with rage!

As I've stated several times before, I feel nothing towards the bombers, my anger is directed at Anthony Blair and his pals in Westminster. I never voted for the prat. I always vote Liberal Democrat (probably not again, I'm officially a floating voter), yet he led us into an illegal war in our name, which pretty much caused the bombings, is so spineless he wont allow anyone near enough to find evidence of this and has now taken it upon himself to further defend this great country of ours against terrorism by trying to shush us and generally arrest us for no reason. Well, not to worry, if they carry on along this path I find it very hard to see how they will regain power, that is if they haven't messed up their chances already. I'm seeing a lot of traditional Labour voters getting fed up and looking elsewhere, most of the people who only recently voted for Labour have been distracted by David Camerons shiny shoes, and will soon get bored of Gordon Brown. Also, it looks pretty certain the next President of the USA will be Miss Hilary Clinton... I believe we will soon see a 'changing of the guard'. Fingers crossed!

Humanity in general seems to be a bit crap at the moment. Apparently it's now acceptable to be an outright racist bastard and voice this in public in the pub right next to me, or even at me. Even before they know anything about what happened to me. Hardly a day passes without me hearing someone mouthing off about "f*ck*ng P*kis!", someone last night when they found out about me shouted "Islamic tw*t!" No! You are the tw*t! IT'S YOU WHO IS THE TW*T! I'm sick of confronting people I know about their attitudes, I never win, they usually have some concept about how we would be safe if we kicked "them" all out the country. I assume by "them" they mean ALL non-white British citizens, I'm sorry but this is not 1942! You ignorant cunts! I've never experienced this level of casual racism before, and to be honest I think it's a North-West thing, I mean, quite a few idiots actually voted for the BNP in Burnley, says it all!

Maybe I'm the freak in all this, maybe it was my fault I went to University in Leicester, which is one third Muslim, and 50% non white, and thoroughly enjoyed my time there. All the way through Uni' I've lived with a whole mix of people, if I was to list their nationalities, backgrounds and religions I would be here all day. Apart from gang skirmishes it was totally peaceful, the only reason I moved back home was because I wanted to be with family after July. I wish I was back in Leicester, or at least out of my home town.

Then as if it was all planned, I heard of what seemed to be my dream job, junior designer at NOKIA, in London. I've applied, and will keep you posted, but I'm not getting too excited, I always do, and always lose out in the final interview round. But it brings up the question, could I move to London? I feel uneasy going there for the day, never mind living there, never mind... gulp... using the tube EVERY DAY. I'm actually quite happy about the prospect, it would tick every box I have at the moment. I want to move out, the job (or a similar job) sounds great, and it would give ultimate closure. The place which nearly murdered me, would now provide for me!

On Saturday I was supposed to be going on an 'e' date, at least that's what Holly Finch labelled it. It fell through at the first hurdle, her car broke down on the way to the train station, by the time the AA got out to her, she was covered in dirt and oil from the car, so she couldn't make it. Sorry to disappoint you all, there is no gossip, but it does make us more determined to meet up another time soon. I now had 2 tickets for a gig and wasn't going to waste them, I went on my own, a non intentional first. The band - The Concretes- were great, just the thing to blow away what's left of the Winter blues. They play a kind of mix of old fashioned Scandinavian pop and folk music, sounds awful but it's not. Imagine The Cardigans, only a bit more old-fashioned.

Well that's it, while I was writing this I've decided to publish my account of July 7th on here, I wrote it 2 weeks after it happened but never published it, expect it in a few days. It might be just the thing to get it out of my system once and for all, well, at least a bit.


Blogger Holly Finch said... gossip!

5:17 AM  
Blogger Holly Finch said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

5:17 AM  
Blogger Rachel said...

This is a great post Steve, and I hope that you don't mind but I wanted to link it and one of Holly's following on from one I just made about how it is, dealign with all this, and how it feels, seven months on. Is that ok?

5:14 AM  
Blogger Yorkshire Lass In London said...

You're right about the racist being Northern. I've had the same discussion over the past few weeks. One of my friends thinks London is becoming visibly more racist.

Another friend specialises in racism in Hackney schools and said that Bradford is about 20 years behind the rest of the country in terms of racism. In my mum's area you vote Labour or BNP. It sickens me so I left.

Shame about your date going wrong, would love there to be KCU gossip! And the band I interviewed tonight were at that Concretes gig. Said it was good an' all.

Good luck with the job x

1:57 PM  
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