Sunday, March 05, 2006

Three metres.

A few months ago it felt like my mind was turning on itself and I was having some sort of breakdown, I couldn’t comprehend what had happened, then my subconscious mind stepped in and began to drip feed it to myself. In early January I struggled with realising the entire event was actually true. I exposed myself to all the images I found disturbing, constantly reading accounts of rescuers and survivors. This sent me into shock. I made myself memorise a few victims names as I was disgusted with myself that the only fatality I knew by name was Germaine Lindsay.

The same happened a few days later, this time the realisation I was in it. A week or so ago it hit me that people really did die, even though I saw a body it didn’t sink in. It’s very hard to get my head round the fact that 26 people were killed on my train, just feet away, 26, I keep saying it but it doesn’t really mean much, it’s just a number. I found myself finding ways of visualising it. For example: six and a half times my immediate family. 52 died in total, that’s half the number of people in my road. Half a road, the equivalent of 13 families, gone forever.

And now my mind is easing me into realising how close I was to the blast, I’m guessing somewhere around 3 metres by mentally pacing up and down the platform. In fact we got to a crowded platform, and realised there was no point moving up or down, it was packed all the way up. I guess Lindsay thought the same, but for some unknown reason took 4 or 5 steps to right, we’ll never know why. Any of us could have been killed, the only reason those 26 were killed was because of a busy platform. That makes me feel nauseous.

So I have now realised that I wasn’t going mad, my mind was and still is allowing me to come to terms with it bit by bit and never allowing myself to go into too much shock, just enough to come to terms with one specific aspect at a time.

5 Comments:

Blogger Holly Finch said...

the mind is a powerful thing....and this has, at least, taught us to repect it. you cannot fight it & in the end i think it knows best.

9:51 AM  
Blogger steve said...

I was initially going to title this post "trust your subconscious" as I wanted to get across what Holly said. That the mind really does know best, it knows us better than anyone else, especially our conscious selves. I haven't really looked into the psychological implications of it all too much, I find most of it (and there's a huge amount) hard to comprehend and incredibly wordy. I'm just learning as I go along and going with the flow.

I don't get chance to write an awful lot with work, it's mostly visual and engineering work, so this was another reason I started the blog. When I do have to write with work I have to be very concise and descriptive. Imagine justifying why a chair is yellow, injection moulded, has an specific aesthetic and function to an MD or marketer. People often don't realise the real role of a designer, we do a lot more than draw pretty pictures of objects. Whoops gone a bit off topic there...

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