Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Flashbacks

If you are sensitive to gory images be aware before reading on.

Just as I thought I was getting back to normal the flashbacks have started to kick back in. I used to get flashbacks often from August till December, but not recently. I say flashbacks, but they begin as a vivid memory, and then play out a very different scenario to what actually happened. The old flashbacks were always the same, get on the train, go down the tunnel, bang, injury, wait 5 minutes. But, then me and my friends go into the 1st carriage. This goes on for a while, dragging people out, asking people to bring us scarves, belts and ties, anything to use as tourniquets. While I didn’t really see in there, what I imagine has to be quite close, it is truly horrific. All I saw in reality was damage to the roof and parts of it hanging down, as the smoke settled it became clearer. Unfortunately I have a very vivid imagination and am able to piece together the rest.

These flashbacks stopped. Now a new flashback has started.

I am on the platform, first train arrives, can’t get on so I wait. Announcement: “next train on its way.” Bang, bomb goes off on the platform. This time it is fully lit up and I can see everything, so can everyone else all the way up the platform. Because there isn’t the barrier of the carriage to take the blast it blows me off my feet and up the platform. There are people dying on the tracks who we can’t help as the tracks are live. So we can only help the others who are either side and pushed/blown back off the platform. Because we aren’t as packed as we were on the train a lot of people are knocked over all the way up the platform and caught up in a stampede to run away. Then the train comes in and the flashback stops, I don’t know if it stops in time or they get the message before it hits the people on the track.

With most of my trauma I can guess why I’m having those specific feelings, there is a logical reason behind them. I can see why I was having the first flashbacks but I’m not sure about these ones. Maybe I’m just playing out every potential scenario till it is all out of my system. Also, I’m off work this week, the last time I was getting flashbacks I was out of work, maybe I have just been too distracted to have these thoughts till now.

12 Comments:

Blogger fjl said...

The bit of psychology I have ( my half useless degree!) gives me to think that it's as if your mind is resisting what you've taken on- that is, geting involved and talking about things. It's still on a level where it's all very painful for you. You go there, and the negative psychological effect occurs. Even when you try and think things through. When you imagine, the trauma effect pushes in.
We so love having you around, and will do all we can to support you. I know your fellow passengers feel the same, they are such good people. x

6:29 AM  
Blogger steve said...

Experiencing these images doesn't really bother me, as always I am never sad or depressed. I just like to share my feelings, it seems to help.

6:40 AM  
Blogger fjl said...

I think its great the way you are always full of fun and humour. It's why people like to have you around. It really stands out :-) You especially make me laugh with the Officials thing.
But please don't feel you have to talk about stuff if it's a burden. x

6:43 AM  
Blogger Holly Finch said...

Steve...i'm sure it is all still part of the 'processing'.

As my shrink keeps reminding me, it is all still relatively early in the recovery process and there is much still that the brain has to take in and store away in your memory. At the moment it's still stuck in the processing loop & it needs to go over & over it again and again before it will finally find its way into the safe haven of your memory.

I have had several dreams which are obviously related...one where i'm in a hotel somewhere & it catches fire in the middle of the night & it's bedlam, flames, screming & people trying to escape...another when i am driving along a motorway and come across a multiple pile up and there are just hundreds of bodies strewn across the fields...my most recent one was about a bomb in a tube...but it was of it happening as if it had happened before, so there was the 'oh god it's happening to me again' scenario...if i can distance myself from the trauma i do actually find it all quite fasinating!

i'm sure it's good to write it down & get it out...well done x

8:11 AM  
Blogger fjl said...

Very well put Holly, about the 'loop'. x More or less what I meant.

8:45 AM  
Blogger Rachel said...

Hope you are feelign okay Steve. have you tried EMDR? I am having it and it helps with guilt and flashbacks. I was very guilty that I did not stay in the carriage, and then that I got to hospital early in a cab and EMDR has helped. Email me if you want me to send you a link: it is a type of trauma therapy that specifically targets flashbacks.

2:09 AM  
Blogger ozzyru27 said...

Dear Steve

Firstly, Id like to apologise for not responding sooner to any of the comments you have written on my blog, especially regarding mp letter, as Ive been on holiday in hospital, great fun!!!
Im sorry about the flashbacks you are having, Im sure you are sick of people saying Im sorry, it seems such a cliche after a while, but I think also that flashbacks are a way of helping the brain cope with situations, and experiences. Ive been told before (again by my ex shrink!), that recurrent memories of things and flashbacks are a way to put things in order in the brain, almost bringing them to the front, to be dealt with and then filed away. Sounds crazy, but I think its a neurological process!
I read youre response that you received from the 'write to them' website'. What a joke, I take it you still haven't recieved one yet?I think there are many mps who really dont give a damn, only a minority who want to help an inquiry process, but its this minority that has to be seived out. Have you written again? I know my mp is particulalry good, but it doesnt really help if theres only a few. Looks like there is progress on the Rachel. Clarke sarga though, so maybe thats a start for an inquiry.
Anyway, hope youre doing ok, Im off to eat yet another sausage roll, latest craving!
Take care
Ruth x

12:27 PM  
Blogger steve said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

3:13 PM  
Blogger fjl said...

Stevie when will we see some more creative genius?
Not to mention that irreplaceable humourous touch.

10:39 AM  
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