Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Itchy feet.

I am feeling incredibly unsettled at the moment. Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, instead I sat in the kitchen till 4am just thinking, thinking about what I really want to do and where I want to go. This has all come along after a few turbulent days. Thankfully that has passed, but it did make me realise that I need to do something drastic.

After all this I still couldn’t sleep and decided it was pointless trying. I ended up doing “points calculators” online to test if I am eligible to emigrate to a number of (sometimes completely random) countries, for some reason I felt drawn to New Zealand. Today I was in WH Smith and spent an hour leafing through the books in the travel section, tonight I am meeting a friend to finalise details of a trip to Berlin soon, this is turning into a consistent theme.

Maybe I am trying to escape my “trap” in the most obvious and dramatic way possible, maybe it is all talk, but I don’t think it is. I am seriously serious about emigrating from the U.K.

P.s. In the past week I have written six posts, but only published one. Some I have published only to remove soon after, if you were quick you may have caught a few of them. This was probably tied into my self confidence crisis I mention above. Also, it is partly because my views and opinions on all matters are changing so fast I don’t really feel as they are solid enough to voice to the world. I am writing, I’m just not publishing.


Blogger Mitch said...

Hi Steve,

it is quite bizarre (or maybe it isn't) that I am experiencing feelings that are parallel to yours - I too have been on quite a few trips in the last couple of months and I think subconciously I want to get out of London. It is difficult to be here day in, day out and see things crop up in the news etc.

I also find that my mind is racing so quickly that nothing solid is being formulated and that is quite off-putting - it makes me hesitant to view any opinions. However, like fjl said, I would publlish away - it's your blog and they are your views.

6:37 AM  
Blogger steve said...

Hi fjl,

I noticed your posts on Rachel's blog, I'm doing what Steve does best, keeping my head down and my nose clean.


I can't imagine what it is like continuing to live in London, I don't think I would be happy, but it may pass.

Mind racing - totally agree. I can't keep up with my own mind, I often disagree with myself, and can't settle on any solid opinions. It's quite exhausting.

True they are my views, but if I publish I will constantly be correcting, making U-turns and justifying things I might not even actually believe. It's confusing.


11:56 AM  
Blogger Bumble Bee said...

Hey Steve,
Move to Australia!!! You should all come over and live with me heheh ;-) I will miss you all when I go in a few months.

It is natural to have feelings of change now. It seems we spent months not being able to make decisions or changes and now all we want to do is make huge changes! I still second guess my decision about finally going home but I have to keep reminding myself of why I decided now was the time.

Sometimes change is good - clears the head, you get a better perspective. Sometimes it's better to stay and nut out the issues here. You are the only one that can decide that, however if you were to move, the other side of the world is a lovely place to do it! ;-)

Regarding your blogging - I cannot comment, I have been completely slack. Thinking of things I should blog about but just cannot summon the energy. Might list some thoughts this weekend.

Hope you're ok

6:55 AM  
Blogger Holly Finch said...

hey steve...jsut catching up after a bit of a break...funnily i was talking to my shrink on thursday about the same thing...i came back from my holiday with a plan to rent out my flat & go & live on a caribbean island for 6 months over the winter & write!...I have even picked the island!

However he warned me that this urge was incredibly common after a trauma & people tended to feel that if they move somewhere different then all their problems will vanish. I'm sure you are wise enough to know that this is not the case...but just food for thought for you....

having lived abroad myslef I know several people who have been caught in the 'not happy, change countries' never works...they are always dissatisfied wherever they are as the roots of their problems are nothing to do with their physical location but are inside them. Wherever they go they take them with them.

having said that change can also be incredibly healthy I don't let me put you off...I'm all for biting the bullet & going for adventures...just don't expect it to solve everything....hx

7:50 AM  
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Anonymous Anonymous said...

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Anyway glad to hear things are on the up..I promise to email in more detail soon.

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